All You Kneed is Love
by Essay33
Summary: A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver. And then there's this crackfic. Bella and Edward try to have a quiet night with the Cullens, only to find themselves entangled in English language abuse.


**A/N**: Let me start by saying that I do enjoy good Twilight fanfiction. I have nearly 100 stories favorited, and every single one of them I consider to be excellent writing, better in some cases than anything on bookstore shelves. Their authors never fail to delight and amaze me with their talent.

But there is an awful lot of really awful fanfic writing on the internet. Way, way too much of it, wherein the authors misuse and abuse words with little regard for (maybe even complete unawareness of) the linguistic butchery that results.

A reader can only take so much of such mayhem before she snaps. My English teacher brain reached the point where I had to do something to save my sanity. This "crackfic" is the result.

I honestly don't know who wrote which bits. It wasn't important at the time; I simply saved phrases and sentences with no intent to do anything other than use them as object lessons in the classroom. It's my honest hope that nobody will recognize something specific within this story that they actually wrote. It's my hope that nobody who misused the English language so egregiously is still writing that badly. It's my hope that if they are, they'll think, "I could have done that," and they'll make an effort to proof read/get a Beta reader/do whatever it takes to avoid peppering their work with malapropisms.

A girl can dream.

This story (using the word really, really loosely) takes place sometime between _Eclipse_ and _Breaking Dawn_. Or not.

* * *

**Edward's POV**

Even though Bella seemed remarkably comfortable around my family, between Jasper's thirst and Rosalie's rudeness, it was difficult to convince Bella that she was welcome in our home. Tonight we'd planed to spend some time together (after I filed a flight plan of course) and I hopped my family would be up to it. Alice hopped too, first on her left foot, then on her right.

"Why is she hopping like that," Bella asked as we sat down in the living room.

"She's just hoppy, er, happy to see you," Jasper said, eyeing her from a safe distance. Even though he'd recently eaten three bears, half a herd of elk, and a water buffalo from the Seattle Zoo (on a dare from Emmett) clearly Bella was still quite appetizing to him.

Observing the way Jasper was eyeing her, a shutter ran through Bella's body. "Ouch, that's gonna leave a mark," she muttered.

"Save that," Alice requested. "We're getting a little short on firewood."

Emmett obligingly removed the offending window treatment, snickering and making a comment under his breath about boards and metal hardware as he carried it out of the room. I hoped Bella hadn't heard him.

"Calm down, Bella. I can hear your heart flying off the handle. What's the matter?" whispered Alice.

I could get a handle on Bella's heart, but she'd been pinning for me. I couldn't explain something that intimate to my sister though. As usual, Alice saw right through me.

"Bella, where did you get that pin? Target?! The right accessories can make or break an outfit," Alice said. "I'm taking you shopping."

"Not now, Alice," I complained. "You can play Barbie Bella later."

Bella reached into her backpack and pulled out a rectangular box. "Here, Alice, knock yourself out." She tossed the box to Alice who caught it with effortless ease.

"I can't be knocked out, Bella," Alice explained patiently, as though she was speaking to a mental patient. "Vampires can't lose consciousness."

"It's an idiom," Bella explained.

"Don't call me dumb," Alice pouted.

"Did someone call me?" Emmett called from the kitchen.

On the sofa, Jasper put his hands over his face. "Too many conflicting emotions," he mumbled.

Alice decided to take matters into her own hands. "Jasper, maybe you should let Bella sit next to you. Hair of the dog that bit you, er, I mean, that you bit, or that you _almost_ bit…It'd be good for you," she finished.

I froze. Alice didn't make idol threats, and I could tell in her mind she was serious.

"Jeeze, Alice," Emmett complained, "Please don't do that Paula Abdul impersonation around me. Last time it took me a week to get 'Straight Up' out of my head."

While she hummed "My Love is For Real," Alice opened the box Bella had given her. She pulled out two small dolls, one a female figure with long brown hair, one a male figure with hair that looked as though a three year old human child had attacked it with scissors then dipped it in paint thinner. The male doll was dressed in clothing that looked oddly familiar.

"Way cool," Alice said to herself. "I can change up their wardrobe too." She eyed Bella speculatively, looking back and forth from the brown haired doll to the object in her hand. "It'll be good practice for me."

At that moment Rosalie sundered into the room. "You _will_ fix that later," Esme called from the kitchen.

"What're those?" my blonde sister sneered, "Action figures?"

"I don't think they've had any action yet," Alice said speculatively. She closed her eyes. "At least…I haven't _seen_ any action. Wait, next Thursday they—"

At _that_ moment, Carlisle walked into the room. He glanced at Rosalie and noticed what she was holding in her hands. "Are those action figures?" he asked.

"Not yet," Jasper, Alice, and Bella all said simultaneously. Bella blushed but refused to look ashamed. Carlisle looked confused, then realized what Rosalie was about to do. With the same accuracy Alice would have had, he saw the lung before she made it.

"Rose, please do your biology homework in your room!" Carlisle reminded her. "Nobody wants to see _that_."

"Ewww," Alice remarked. "Let's go Jazz."

"Would you prefer Miles Davis or Dave Sanborn?" my brother asked. "I can get us tickets to see Alison Krauss and Union Station, but you'll have to wait until next month."

"Okay, I'll wait, but let's go. Edward and Bella need some alone time." In a flurry of motion, Alice, Jasper, Rose, Emmett, Carlisle and Esme all left our home. Bella and I apparently had the house to ourselves.

* * *

**Bella's POV**

I was suddenly aware that I was stood in my underwear in front of Edward. Damn those vampire reflexes; one of his siblings—Emmett probably—had apparently stripped me down and stood me up on their way out the door. It was so annoying. On the other hand, it was a great timesaver.

I knew that attempting to seduce my vampiric boyfriend never got me anywhere, so I decided to try a new tactic. I let the tears well up in my eyes. It worked.

"Shh, Bella, shh. It's alright. Stop crying. I can't bare it when you cry." Edward's voice was soft and sticky like honey covered velvet.

If he couldn't bare it, then I'd bare it for him. And so I did. Buttons flew everywhere as I attacked his Oxford shirt and made short work of his Dockers.

His fingers traced lightly over my breast, the cold of his hands caused my breasts to react naturally, I could feel the sensation as the iciness of his skin kept it's attention.

_[Editor's note: Don't try to figure that out. Even reading it repeatedly won't help. Move along.]_

I loved the way Edward's icy fingers felt along my hot skin, though parts of him were oddly reminiscent of popsicles. Unmelting popsicles. I wondered if it were winter, and we did this outside, and I used my mouth, would my tongue get stuck?

I shuttered.

"Open up, Bella," Edward urged.

I began loosing myself in my own thoughts. It was very freeing.

"Your mood swings are kind of giving me whiplash," he complained.

"That's my line," I replied, "And it's not in the book, it's in the movie," I wined.

Glaring at the adult beverage in my hand, he said "Bella, you're not 21 yet. That's illegal."

"I'll show you _illegal_," I growled. And I did, all the wile being careful not to eat with my mouth full.

"Oh, I love your feminine wiles," Edward growled back at me. "But how do you _do_ that? It must be a human thing."

"Mmphmlphmm," I said. Whipping my mouth (that _was_ going to leave a mark) I kissed him.

I felt him smile against my lips but his body was still dense. "Edward, you're so dense," I remarked. Why did this member of the y-chromosome seem so clam?

"I'm sorry, love, but it's all part of my membership in the Y chromosome club," Edward said, even while his hands did extremely dexterous things with the elastic of my underwear. "I'll try not to be so shellfish."

I shifted, trying to avoid a wedgie, and hoping he didn't notice my discomfort. It was worth this to feel what I had within the throngs of passion.

"It's a little crowded in here," Edward remarked, finally noticing the throngs when he came up for breath. "Let's go to your house. Your bed might be small, but at least there we can be alone."

* * *

**A/N:** This was done by a professional driver on a closed course. Do not attempt this at home without adult supervision.


End file.
